A calmer, more orderly layout for what will hopefully be a journal full of calmer, more orderly thoughts.

I've let fear and its friend, anxiety, rule my life for a long time. I botched my D1 film--I have a responsibility to myself not to let myself fail like that again. Failure of talent, or time, or simple mistakes I can accept. I can't accept blatant procrastination. Not with film.

In trying to get out of my own head, I've started running again, and it's not as terrible as I thought it'd be. I'm not hopelessly out of shape, and sticking to a regimin will be good for me.

I feel like, since I've been on livejournal, my posts are always full of goals I never whole-heartedly pursue, or at least, never wholly meet. My self-responsibility has been appalling. I guess that's what happens when you know you'll be okay if you succeed or fail and never actually think about what failure is doing to you.

I started writing about it: The Rainbow Lion. This thing I constantly chase while simultaneously flee from. I hope it doesn't implode into a hipster diatribe about how hard my internal struggles are while I desperately try to relate it to people with actual problems. And, the world, I guess.

Another goal! I want to be nicer and more appreciative of my friends. I know I won't treasure all this time I spend alone when I'm old.

By the way this artist, Elaine Lachica, is an amazing soprano, her music is lovely, reflective alternative and jazzy, and her album is worth the ten bucks on iTunes. I'll say one thing for my first year of film school--it's been my best year in acquiring new musical loves. I have a webcomic and a guy I don't even like to thank for that.

Writer's Block: Marathon sessions

Aside from sleeping and being awake, what is the longest consecutive amount of time you've spent doing one thing? What was it?

Apparently, a yeah-we-can-totally-shoot-this-in-one-day film shoot is twelve hours long. Both Raqueebah's and my film took twelve hours, and both ended up being less than three minutes. Exhausting, but when all those people are around and you're doing something you love, it's not so bad.

Writer's Block: Higher state of consciousness

What movies do you like to watch and what kind of munchies do you like to scarf down when you're enjoying some free time?

Enjoying some free time? If you mean, when I'm HIGH AS BALLS, I enjoy Moe's tacos and queso dip with tortillas. Anything semi-addicting is good: cake, good stew, corn on the cob, etc.

Movies? Hahahahahaha GO AWAY.

But I do enjoy visually stunning darlings like Pan's Labyrinth, Brokeback Mountain, etc. when I'm just in the mood to watch something pleasant. Indian movies are good for that, too.

Writer's Block: Over the top

Who would you consider the most overrated musician, and why?

The Rolling Stones.

It's amazing to watch all of this coverage in Egypt. Why am I always skipping class on important days in history?

I'm really hitting a dead end with my Directing 1 script. The film has to be 1-3 minutes long, I need to be able to find these actors readily, I need a location within Orlando so I'm not yanking my hair out, and it has to be filmed within a week. I have limited funds and I don't know jack about equipment. I've always written about fantastical events involving imaginary beings or completely outlandish scenarios that wouldn't be realized on film without a multi-million dollar budget. I know limitations are supposed to push you to be creative, but I feel like there's a roof over my head and I just can't. Break. Through.

I'll probably still do something with ghosts anyway.

Writer's Block: Everything's coming up rabbits

What sign were you born under in the Chinese lunar calendar? Do you think it accurately represents your animal spirit?

I'm a Fire Rabbit, which are apparently the badasses of the Rabbits, a lackluster group as a whole. I like being a Rabbit more than a Scorpio, however--at least Rabbits aren't obsessive, jealous assholes with inferiority complexes.


I filmed today and also my cervix hurts.


Writer's Block: You can't take that away from me!

If you had to go an entire week without TV, music, or your mobile phone, which would you choose, and why?

TV. I don't watch it anyway. Hulu, baby.

I had an awesome weekend with a bunch of good buddies in Tampa, including <lj-user=nymosy>. It was nice being able to introduce her to some of my other friends, and of course they thought she was awesome. We all drove to a party of a friend's friend whose name I never did learn.The downstairs was a haunted house where they brewed their own beer and malted apple cider and there was intense experimental music and then there were bongs and vaporizers and doggies and I was done. Somehow, I didn't get any candy at all.

(I wanted to party with Orlando people, just so I'd get to know them better, but the film kids didn't throw a party. We've all been trying to think of ideas for the class to bond, and so far the winning concept is a camping trip to Peanut Island, but I haven't seen any concrete plans beyond talk. I hope it happens--I really want to know these people and get along with them. Most of them seem tops but it's hard to mingle when we only have our classes together and busy schedules.)

I did get two tickets this weekend tho ): One for speeding and one for not having my bleeding license, which I had left in another purse. Gonna have to haul my ass down to HillsboroughFuckCounty Courthouse, AGAIN. But I'll see Justine again since she's so nice she agreed to go with me and hold my hand.

On a happier note, I lifted my dad's PS3 so I can play some REAL GAMES finally (arkham asylum and assassin's creed and red dead redemption whaaaat). Also people at aikido want to take me out for my birthday, even tho my parents will be up here that weekend (they want to go to Epcot?!) but maybe that Friday after class. I'm looking forward to joining the modern world and getting an iPhone. And I got some much-needed validation from a reliable source.

So, not too shabby right now.

I did get to thinking about sex earlier, and all the problems I have concerning it. I love sex, I really do. I think about it a lot, I get horny a lot, and I love having all kinds of sex with other people. But it's really difficult for me to come. I've never really orgasmed internally--it's always been from my clit, or a combination of both. But never the G-spot by itself. I ENJOY penetration, do I ever, but I've never climaxed from that area. You would think this wouldn't be a problem, but even when people try to please me clitoris-wise, it takes an unnaturally long time. Or at least it feels unnaturally long when they're down there doing their best, bless their hearts, and I'm just trying to focus. That's another thing--I lose focus easily, even when I'm masturbating, and then it just takes LONGER. And when I AM focused, it seems like my clit goes numb from over-stimulation before I've had a chance to come.

All that and my DISEASE has made sex very discouraging for the past...year or more. I've had sex since then but, as I said...discouraging. ): I'm starting to feel like I should undergo some training to make my brain chill the fuck out, but I've had concentration problems for most of my life. I've had SOME good sex this past year, but for the most part, it's been dissatisfying.

I have to get up early, so it's time for me and the Butterfly Kiss Platinum Edition to go to sleep.